Robert E. WaiteWEEKLY WAITE-O-GRAM (REL. 57.0)
CLIFFS OF INSANITY
As I write this, the United States Congress has enacted a lame, last-minute stop-gap measure to avoid the worst aspects of the so-called Fiscal Cliff. (One problem is that Republicans and Democrats could not even agree on what those worst aspects might be, save for the expiration of the 1949 Dairy Support Act, which would have doubled or tripled the price of a gallon jug.) Commentators all agree on one point - averting the cliff on January 1 changed little -- the wrangling will continued ad-nausea, far into the future. The ideological split between parties - and between Red and Blue states - is so deep and intractable that no one can conceive of a way out. At least until now...
REORG, ANYONE?
When I was at IBM and when things seemed stuck... we reorganized! Sometimes the realignment was around products or lines of business; at other times it was geographic, rearranging and reassigning responsibility for countries or whole continents. And it seemed to work like a charm. Most everybody got fancy new titles (and got to run away from their previous unit's targets, plans and results). Why can't North America do the same?
A MODEST PROPOSAL
As you may know, we are in the midst of marking the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812. Despite what it might say in some American textbooks, this conflict was not a victory for the U.S. (nor for the British, other than it reaffirmed their dominion over what would later become Canada.) What better time to affect a more definitive realignment...one that would put an end to wrangling and political discord in both countries? One that doesn't involve burning down each other's capital cities (as happened in back then). The solution is simple enough - take the United States and Canada, briefly combine the various provinces, states and territories...shake vigorously... and then pour them off into three distinct vessels...one Red...one Blue... and one White.
HEARTLANDIA
Let's start with the new Red nation, which would roughly correspond to the US Republican states of America's heartland and deep south ... combined with the oil, gas and grain-rich provinces of Alberta, Manitoba and Saskatchewan. This would be a land of low taxes, energy and agricultural self-sufficiency... and "family values". Let's call it "Heartlandia". The capital would be in Bismarck, North Dakota (although the name would be changed to "District of Rand"). Heartlandia would adopt (or retain) the Queen as Head of State...and Newt Gingrich would be the new nation's first Prime Minister, owing to his physical resemblance to Stephen Harper (and the firm knowledge that he will find nothing ironic in the use of the name "Heartlandia".)
LIBROVIA
Next we have Librovia, which would consist of the US Blue states in the northeast; the west coast states of California, Nevada, Oregon and Washington; and several blueish states, like Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan and Minnesota, clustered around the Great Lakes. To this would be added the provinces of British Columbia; Ontario; much of New Brunswick; and all of Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island. (You are probably wondering about Newfoundland and Labrador -- not to worry. Danny Williams will buy it lock stock and barrel and take it private.) Librovia's capital would rotate on a six month basis between Berkeley, California, Cambridge, Massachusetts and Toronto, Ontario - a solution necessitated by both the somewhat unique geography of Librovia and by the earlier selling off of Washington, D.C. to a Chinese destination tour company to help pay down the residual national debt. Librovia will feature strict environmental regulations, punitive taxes on anyone making over $50,000 a year... and mandatory Volvo ownership. The first President of Librovia? That's easy - Justin Trudeau, son and heir to the Pierre Elliott Trudeau legacy. He's as cute as a Kennedy...without all the baggage.
NEW NEW FRANCE
The third, "white" entity (after the color of the fleur-de-lies on the Quebec flag) would be called New New France... and would be comprised of Quebec... the Arcadian and francophone areas of New Brunswick...as well as Louisiana. The capital in the summer would be in Quebec City; in winter, New Orleans. Civil law would prevail, as would the somewhat unique business and procurement norms prevalent in both major jurisdictions. The key benefit to Quebec would be access to warm weather in winter... and an opportunity to root for both an NFL and BCS football team. The key benefit for Louisiana would be unlimited access to maple syrup... and an NHL hockey team (if hockey ever resumes). New New France's first Premier? Either Mario Lemieux or Celine Dion.
PERFECT HARMONY
The beauty of all this is that like-minded people would be grouped together. There would be little discord or rancour. Everybody in Librovia, for example, would watch MSNBC or CBC...and belong to the Sierra Club. Everybody in Fredonia would watch Fox or Sun TV... and belong to the NRA. And in New New France they'd mostly watch Drew Brees... or "Iron Chef", en francais. Problem solved. Wrangling over. Cliffs permanently closed. Discuss...
WHAT TO READ?
I am often asked by CEO's and other senior executives what they should be reading (besides the stuff they have to read for their jobs.) These are busy men and women who wish to stay informed and be able to hold up their side of a conversation not only around world events...but also regarding science, education and popular culture. My advice pretty much follows my own reading habits - The Economist magazine weekly; the New York Times on-line edition during the week (and print edition on Sundays); the on-line musing of Slate and the Huffington Post; and the printed edition of the monthly Scientific American. If you are interested in Canada, the on-line versions of the Globe & Mail and the National Post will do nicely, with the print version of Walrus magazine as a valuable monthly thought-provoker. (I also read The Chronicle of Higher Education and would love to add The Times Literary Supplement, but there are only so many hours in the day.) And when to read? I find the best place is in a plane or on a train, as you have fewer interruptions. But of course with the imminent introduction of wi-fi on aircraft (it has already come to the trains), that cone of silence is disappearing. Maybe under your covers... with a flashlight?
AND FINALLY...
I want to wish all of you... colleagues, clients and friends... a prosperous, peaceful and healthy 2013... whether you live in Heartlandia... Librovia... New New France... or anywhere else in the world.
(The views expressed in this blog are those of the author, who is solely responsible for its contents, including any errors, omissions or typos. For those worried about Hawai'i and Alaska in the reorg, Alaska will become part of Heartlandia, allowing Newt Gingrich to see Russia from Sarah Palin's front porch; Hawai'i will become part of Librovia, allowing Justin Trudeau to vacation with the Obamas. New New France will abbreviate itself as NNF, as the full name will not fit on a postage stamp.)
Reader Comments (2)
But, Puerto Rico and Guam, what fate befalls these less than state staus entities or should we care?
The re-org sounds good to me.
I would add to your reading list an occasional peek at The Onion, to nurture a necessary sense of humour and a leafing through Mental Floss--it's humbling.